What hyperfixation feels like.

No, I can't forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving.

I am in the midst of a hyperfixation.

For autistics, hyperfixation is an obsessive focus on a subject, hobby, or activity.

A hyperfixation feels really amazing, but to the untrained eye looks like pure insanity.

Many autistics have special interests they will happily info dump on for hours, make a power point presentation, devise a TedTalk for, et cetera.

My special interests fall under these categories: books, horror movies, music, and theater. I have what I’d call subcategories or micro special interests within these subjects. I’d go into more detail, but we’d be here until your eyes glaze over.

I will, however, tell you about my latest.

It’s with the song ‘Without You’. No, not the song from RENT, which I was completely hyperfixated on in my teens, but that’s not news to anyone who knows me.

The versions of the song you probably know are either Harry Nilsson or Mariah Carey’s.

I knew Harry Nilsson’s version first.

I did not know until recently that it’s a cover. The original song was sung by Badfinger. More of a Beatles-sounding track than the powerful ballad Harry Nilsson turned it into and apparently blew his voice out recording.

I can’t say where I first heard it, but I remember the instances that struck a mild obsession with the song.

The song plays in the film Whiskey Tango Foxtrot during a hostage rescue mission. I think it struck me because the song choice was so unexpected in this moment. Here it is:

I tracked down the song and wore it out.

A few years later, I heard a very different version of the song sung by Katie Kadan on The Voice. I love the emotion in her voice and her face when she sings it. I felt like I had to kneel down in the middle of the sidewalk. It gave me motion sickness.

Shortly after I discovered that Clay Aiken, my possible first male celebrity crush (and probably a huge indicator that I was queer) had his own take.

It is worth mentioning that I grew up to have Clay Aiken’s haircut in this video.

To me, listening to music feels a bit like masturbating OH MY GOD DID I REALLY JUST TYPE THAT OUT. I listen aggressively until I finally feel “spent” and there’s a release. Sometimes this takes days. Or weeks.

Flash forward to a few days ago when I discovered Mariah Carey’s version of the song in my favorite dance class.

Folks, I did not know that Mariah Carey covers this song. Which is funny, because many people only know this version. In my defense, Mariah Carey is one of my musical gaps. Her music sits on a shelf somewhere with The Spice Girls.

It’s softer than the original, but I love the gospel choir that comes in at the end.

When I heard the first few piano chords come on in class, I shit my pants immediately teared up and started stimming, rocking and moving my limbs around in spite of myself. Dance class is a special, sacred space for me. It’s where I feel most free and present in my body. It was the first time I got to dance to a song that made my heart race.

I won’t share the clip of me dancing because it’s too intimidating, but here’s a screenshot of me in total bliss:

I went home afterwards and started playing the song on the piano.

For the past week and a half, I’ve listened to thirteen different versions of the song at full volume. It got me through the work week. It got me through subway commutes. The song ran through my head on a loop while I swum laps at the pool. When I needed an added kick, I started singing it alone in my room.

I looked up the song’s history and learned about the original version and the dispute that may have indirectly led to the original authors taking their own lives. Not to mention Harry Nilsson’s struggles with sobriety.

As I’m typing this, I’m listening to the demo by Harry Nilsson for the very first time. It is certainly a demo, but still very lovely.

To some, this might sound sadomasochistic. For me, it’s a relief to ruminate over a song instead of the other things my brain normally obsesses over. There is never a shortage of problems and anxiety that my anxious autistic brain is flipping over.

This is also why I love audiobooks and podcasts so much. For me, mindfulness isn’t quieting my thoughts. They’re never quiet. Mindfulness is being in my body while having something like music or a book to anchor me. This is also why I color obsessively and have a hard time ‘hearing’ unless I’m doodling. It’s probably why I love the puzzle of a dance class.

Otherwise, I am light years away.

I never know when a new hyperfixation is going to hit me. I love it, because it’s reminder of how passionate and joyful I am. And I don’t always feel like that.

Call it hyperfixation, special interest, obsession—it’s a kind of trance or possession that takes hold of me for a period of time and makes me feel alive. I know that many people “don’t care” and are tired of listening to me talk about it, but know if I’ve gone on a tangent with you about something, I’m not wholly unaware that you might feel like I’m holding you hostage. It feels like I’m sharing a part of myself with you. It’s like how some animals gift each other with little tokens of appreciation.

Like an otter with a rock.

Or a cat with a dead mouse.

I’m sharing ‘cause I like you.

So while you’re still here, here’s one final version of the song that I think is very special.

I love the horns that rise up at the end. It feels so majestic. I just learned about polyphonic perception—the ability to distinguish multiple parts of a song at once, and isolate them independently. Almost as if you can hear different perspectives of the song. I love this cover because I can choose to listen from the horns, the bass (or is that a cello), or Shirley’s voice.

Thanks for letting me share a few of my favorite things. What the kids in The Sound of Music don’t know is that Maria is simply listing a bunch of shit she’s obsessed with to distract them from the storm.

That’s what this song is doing for me at present. It’s distracting me from the ugliness.

I invite you to have a listen.