I haven’t cried yet in response to the election. I’m not sure if it’ll happen. I don’t cry very often, and I’ve always had trouble accessing sadness. I don’t know if it’s the ‘tism, or if I’ve just set myself up over the years to shut down my feelings because I hate feeling bad. I’m so afraid of pain. I rarely let allow myself to feel excited or even proud, because what if something happens and god forbid I feel disappointed?
Logically, spiritually, I am devastated. I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m so angry.
All week I’ve watched my friends display physical signs of despair. My go-to is numbness and disassociation. I don’t like that about myself. I’d like to be able to melt, but it’s not something I can force. I’m scared it’s going to cause physical damage.
Things that have made me cry in 2024 (so far):
My dog being diagnosed with a severely collapsed trachea. (Note: later I discovered it was a misdiagnosis, thank fucking god).
My dog being diagnosed with a cruciate ligament tear.
Fear over my dog’s mortality and surgery (Note: she’s made it through and she’s doing great).
Frustration over yet another writing rejection—I didn’t know I was going to cry until I was leaving a voice note for my friend Lauren and all of the hurt finally got to me.
Having my name left out multiple times in announcements and credits for a short film I poured my heart and soul into. One particularly kind review that gave flowers to everyone but the screenwriter finally broke me after a year of trying to deal with the fact that the film industry ‘doesn’t care’ about writers.
Reading The Art of Racing in the Rain. I avoid books like this at all costs, but my sweet friend Angela gifted me this book not knowing that the senior dog who narrates it bites it at the end and I was feeling masochistic (the dog does get reincarnated and reunites with his human at the end. Oops, spoiler. You’re welcome).
Watching Chasity Moore sing ‘Memory’ as Grizabella in Cats. Never thought a production of Cats would make me cry. WTF is this show about? (Oh look, a slime tutorial):
Watching In the Amazon Warehouse Parking Lot by Sarah Mantell at Playwrights Horizons.
Landing in Florida for a screening of my short film and realizing that the last time I was in Florida, I was a patient instead of a writer getting to experience their work in a movie theater.
The theme here seems to be dogs and theater. Hmmm.